Baby's First Substack
Hi, It's Liv, I'm here!
I wrote one piece in July and one piece in June. Aside from that I’ve had no active writing practice (aside from my signature sassy emails for work) since May. There’s a part of me that wants to blame time but, based on the amount of bed rotting while rewatching TV shows I’ve seen 1000 times this summer, I can’t say that with any truth.
The truth is that I’m tired and uninspired by my life lately. I feel this heaviness that is reflected back to me in both body and spirit. I desperately want to write things that make people feel uplifted and ready to conquer life and the world and whatever dreams they might be holding in their heart. I’m not quite sure how to do that authentically during seasons where I feel like I’m not actively practicing what I preach.
When is the last time I meditated?
When is the last time I prayed?
When is the last time when I sat and grounded myself and connected with spirit?
When is the last time that I worked out or had any sort of helpful movement practice?
When is the last time that I journaled?
What have I really been doing to push the needle of my life in the direction that I am desiring it to go?
I wish I was better at having boundaries with my job but I find myself constantly and consistently abandoning myself in order to be of service to others. Then again maybe that is just another excuse.
It is hard and scary (and also brave) to go after the big things. To claim that I’m writing a book, that I want to host retreats, that I dream constantly about buying land and building a joyous space to foster community and joy and love (and obviously food). It feels like stepping into a crowd naked to proclaim these desires.
So many things I’ve set my sights on in the past have been big fat failures where I feel like everyone is watching me fuck it up. Sometimes it feels easier to not try and therefore not fail, and let myself instead get sucked into a job working towards someone else’s dream (or at least the lining of their pockets).
Then again, as I’m sitting here writing this, I’m sitting in the volleyball bar for the rec league that I direct. I can see to my right, the bulletin board that is home to the visual representation of all the work I’ve done this summer. The color coded labels for each day in a cute font. The schedules that amount to over 1000 matches of volleyball, and the stats that come from all of those games. The new program that I’ve implemented to reward teams who do well. To my left are the folders with the rosters where I’ve carefully written all 114 team names, and where the referees grab the score sheets I’ve made and turn them in + sign their payroll sheet. The sheer volume of organization that it takes to run this league is wildly impressive and for whatever reason I don’t give myself credit for all of this because all I can see when I look at it is what it takes out of me to give this all to other people. There are 100s of people every week whose social lives and health and wellbeing are improved because of the work that I do.
This month I’ll be experiencing balance. My next writing class starts in a few weeks and I know that with the caliber of writers the course will be rigorous. I will also still be finishing out volleyball season concurrently. It’s important to me to do both of these things well. I am holding myself accountable to doing both well.
All of this to say... Hi! Here I am, back to writing. For a little while I am going to let this be home to my body of work and I am committed to prioritizing my creativity again. It feels good to write all of this. It feels good to put it on the page and declare it for eyes other than my own to see.
If you found this, I am so happy that you’re here!
Love, Liv
